Make sure you pee BEFORE reading this

[Corey Cohron RIP]

Let me start by giving you a little background. In December 1999, Billy, Wil (who was an infant), our son Chris (13 at the time) road the Auto Train from Sanford, FL to VA (and then drove on to New York, but that's not important). The trip was wonderful, but if you were to ask Billy or me what the most memorable part was, we'd both start laughing and exclaim, "The Twinkie Story!" The "article" below was published in one of Uncle John's Bathroom Readers -- a collection of short, informative non-fiction articles, just right for reading while indisposed . If you haven't gotten your hands on any books in this series, we highly recommend them.

I believe it was Bill who started reading the report below, and he wasn't through the first few sentences when he started laughing. Intrigued, I went over to see what was so funny. He tried very hard to read the report aloud, but it was impossible. As he tried to get the words out, we both started laughing, and I mean laughing -- the kind that makes your whole body shake and tears come out of your eyes, but no sound erupts from your mouth. It's almost 10 years later, and all one of us has to say is, "Cream holes," and we both start chuckling. I highly recommend you empty your bladder before reading an further. Enjoy!

Twinkie Testing

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of substance.

Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess."

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten, white filling. When cooled, this now epoxy-like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed." The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercury-like property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.

Immersion

A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.



For further silliness, check out www.twinkiesproject.com

[blackfx4ny]

One of the many reasons I love reading this forum.

[88Racing]

Great bed time story Corey!

Now I'll be laughing myself to sleep.

"Creme Holes"

Is there a Twinkie or a creme hole smiley?
LoL


Lars

[Corey Cohron RIP]

Dang! Billy and I both thought we did, but I can't find one! I did find an , though. Kinda like a Twinkie with chocolate frosting.

TA-DA!

[88Racing]

Corey

I woke up still laughing.

Leave it to you to find a twinkie smilie.


Thanks for the good laugh!

Lars

[Corey Cohron RIP]

Actually, Bill gets credit for the Twinkie smiley. Maybe he's the Smiley King now and we can reign together!

Who makes all these dang smilies?

[88Racing]

Wonder if you could look it up in wikipedia(however its spelled).

Wonder if there are any other tests done and documented to hi-ho's, moon pies, or any other treats?

Lars

[bbbxcursion]

Fawking funny!